It is two years today, 16th December, since I posted the first blog. Two years of intense, almost unbelievable change. Not just personally, but also globally. When I set this blog up in December 2019, I had no idea that the world and life as I knew it was going to change so drastically. No idea that both a virus pandemic and a pandemic of fear would within a month, engulf the world. Fortunately, we are only required to live one day at a time. Knowing what lay ahead would have weakened the knees of even the most hardy of souls.
There is an enormous energetic shift happening in the world, of which Covid-19 has been a significant catalyst. The energetic shift is from humanity living in fear in all its forms to living from a place of love. The old energies, which are responsible for the raping and pillaging of the earth, corruption, greed, racism, wars materialism, and other ugliness, are being exposed at every level, hence the world appears to be in chaos. Some of the old energies are not going to die easily, and those who have profited the most are not going to relinquish their position without a fight. It can appear that the world and its inhabitants are heading for hell in a hand basket.
I don’t believe so.
While the old energies are making a lot of noise, there is at the same time quietly happening, a rapidly rising global consciousness. People are waking up at a rapid rate and standing up for truth and morality and community and love. Many are hearing the call to active service and are taking a leap of faith way out of their comfort zones to stand up and trust that when they live according to their truth, the Universe/God will support them. This uprising seems to me to be of a largely feminine energy. Many women around me are hearing the call as well. This makes sense as the male energy has been prevalent for a very, very long time, and because it hasn’t been balanced by the feminine energy, it has resulted in the problems in the world today. This is not male blaming, to do that is to completely mis-understand what this is all about. We all have within us both male and female energies whatever our physical sex is. The best expressions of a human being is a balance of both energies. Neither is better than the other, both have their shadow sides. Men are also being called, given opportunities to heal their wounds and discover the gentler qualities within them of compassion, self-love, kindness, tenderness. These men are also standing tall within their own truth, holding their balanced energies to help the change. The old energies damaged men as well as women.
So what am I currently doing? It is past time for an update.
I am busy planning a future. A future in which I can in a tiny way be of service to humanity by sharing what I have learned. I have heard the call. One of the underlying driving forces for me over the last fifteen years has been a shift from living with fear to living in a continuous state of peace and love. This seems to fit in well with the current need of the world. I think I can be of help in some way. Surely other people want to live in love and effortless happiness no matter what is happening to or around them?
I believed it was possible to live in an effortless and continuous state of peace and love.
Now I KNOW it is possible and sustainable because I have been living in that state for over 5 years now, and the peace, love and joy just keep getting deeper and deeper and fear has mostly completely gone.
There are going to be some changes with this blog. I am going to return to its roots: fear free cancer. I have used this platform more often than not to talk about experiences in my spiritual journey rather than about cancer. This is because spiritual growth has always been of primary importance to me, and a large part of my healing journey. The cancer has been of secondary importance. It is relatively incidental to me as I have always viewed it as just a vehicle for growth. Most people find this inconceivable, because a cancer diagnosis usually triggers a lot of fear, and if a person isn’t aware, it can become their identity. “A cancer victim”. I have never considered myself even for a minute, to be a cancer victim. I cannot stand that phrase.
From now on, as the focus of this blog returns to cancer as the pivotal discussion point, I will talk about spirituality in direct relation to how it impacts on cancer and healing rather than as the main topic. I will be creating another blog called “croakings of a dying crone” in which I will share my philosophies for life and death and the small wisdoms I have learned over my lifetime. At this stage, this is what it will be called. I was writing a book by the same name which organically morphed into being called “Terminally Happy”, but the name ‘croakings of a dying crone” amuses me and it seems appropriate, however I need to set that blog up very quickly as I am no longer dying. More about that in a moment. If anyone wants to give some feedback about the name for the new blog, feel free. I may listen, or not. I’m not 100% committed yet to the name.
As I said earlier, the last fifteen years of my life have been based on learning how to move out of fear into love. In the last two years we can all see the world has descended into fear. A literal pandemic of fear that is not abating. Recently, within two days of a doctor in South Africa identifying the new strain Omricon and the possibility that vaccines may not be effective against it, borders started closing and fear escalated. A week later, she was saying there is an over-reaction and it isn’t as bad as first appeared, She hadn’t anticipated the hysteria that would result from her reporting the new strain. She is asking why? Why the fearful response before science even had a chance to establish more facts?. This is just one indicator of how fearful humanity is. An expert makes a comment and the world reacts in fear.
Now, if there is one thing I know, it is how to get out of fear, anxiety and stress into living peacefully no matter what is happening around me or even within my body. It is time for me to step up and share what I know in a more planned and public way.
I am now ready.
The last two weeks have brought major epiphanies for me during which time old and fearful sub-conscious beliefs that still held control have fallen away. Every day, more fall away. There is a constant shedding of old stories that no longer serve me and have continued to keep me stuck and silent. My body and my mind just keep feeling lighter and lighter. The energy blocks which kept me sick are moving and my body is healing.
I know this with every fibre of my being. Mind, body and spirit.
MY BODY IS HEALING
In my blog titled “Everything is changing” I talked about being in hospital in June, an epiphany then, and living in a state of bliss. This lasted for a month, during which I wrote the majority of the book Terminally Happy, and then the bliss left me. That was difficult to deal with. I went rather abruptly from a state where everything was effortless, a state of high energy, no pain, flowing creativity, overflowing love and joy with a mind that didn’t interfere and everything fell into place spontaneously: back to my normal state of life. Physical discomfort, peaceful calmness, an interfering mind and much less energy. An enormously dulled down version of what I had experienced in the blissful state.
It was very disappointing and I wanted the Bliss back. I knew I couldn’t make it happen.
What it did leave me with however, was the awareness of just how unconsciously I still lived, how much my mind interfered, and the reminder that the state of Bliss is what living in alignment with your spirit/ The Divine is like. Even though I live in peace, joy and love almost all the time, this state was that on steroids.
This happened around the end of July. I endeavoured to be more conscious. I noticed my mind would decide it couldn’t be bothered doing something in a split second and at a sub-conscious level so I didn’t even realise it was happening, and then it was an effort to do the task required. When in the state of Bliss, my mind was largely silent and there was no resistance. Anything that needed to be done appeared before me and I effortlessly did it. Now I had to push against a resistant mind that endorsed procrastination without the thought even consciously forming. As always, awareness is the key. Once a sub-conscious program is brought to consciousness, it has lost it’s power to control.
Even though I had the epiphany in hospital in June that my body was healing ,I still did not trust and I slowly fell back into the old narrative of sickness as I began to have pain and discomfort again. I would often remind myself that I had been told I was healing, but I lacked conviction. I didn’t really trust what I had been told in the epiphany. My health kept deteriorating and I began to have tingling in my arms. I knew what this meant. A tumour high on my spine (my entire spine from the neck to my pelvis has cancer on it), was beginning to impact on my spinal cord. I was going to be paralysed from the neck down in the not too distant future. It was not something I had consciously considered before and I had to sit with it. I realised that I was genuinely OK about it. If that was part of my spiritual journey, then so be it. I would be able to deal with it. At the same time, this is now the beginning of October, I began to feel intuitively that my body was healing even though all physical signs appeared to demonstrate the opposite. My intuition and my physical reality appeared to be contradictory and I would waver between the two.
I was trying to go deeply into transcendental meditation and was in a daily routine of meditation, prayer and energy work. But I still couldn’t seem to break through. I was still stuck and I felt time was running out. I needed to finish the book before I was paralysed and life became much more difficult. I also knew there is a limit to how much cancer my body could live with before it could no longer sustain physical life. I needed to have a breakthrough.
I was beginning to struggle with pain again. I was on methadone which gave 24/7 coverage as well as dexamethasone, but sometimes the pain would come through, and I had difficulty getting on top of it. I had Fentanyl for this which is 100 times stronger than the morphine I used to be on. But it now wasn’t being that effective.
Then I had a “near anaphylactic” reaction to the Fentanyl. It came on quickly and unexpectedly after using Fentanyl with no problem, and as I felt as though my life energy was draining away from me, I wondered if this was what it felt like to actually die. I was struggling to breathe and had enormous pressure in my head and chest, my throat was tingling, my face sweating but my hands freezing. There was a moment of anxiety then indignation that I could die at this point when I believed my body was beginning to heal. I was debating to call an ambulance then decided to sit with it and see if it got worse. (I absolutely do not encourage anyone else to do this unless they are connected with and following their intuition. An anaphylactic reaction is life-threatening. Call an ambulance.) The symptoms began to fade after 10 minutes until all I was left with was breathlessness and an extremely blocked nose. I spoke to the community palliative nurses who are on call 24/7 and they agreed that it was clearly an adverse potentially anaphylactic reaction to the Fentanyl since it happened 10 minutes after I had taken the medication. They advised me to go to the Emergency Dept if my breathlessness continued, and to rest. Another 30 minutes and the breathlessness and blocked nose cleared abruptly and I felt fine. I went out on a short bush walk in a nearby forest with my partner. If you don’t buy deeply into a story, a situation comes and goes and leaves no negative impact.
I saw my palliative specialist the next day, but what happened was that I was now left with very few options for breakthrough pain relief. I had gone through most of them and ended up reacting to them all. This was the second near anaphylactic reaction I had from pain medication. My specialist had one more option to try, but it was decided it would be safer for me to be in the palliative care ward under medical supervision when it was first administered in case I had a bad reaction. Unfortunately there was a waiting list for a bed and I couldn’t be admitted for a while.
I went home with no breakthrough pain relief. Instead of becoming anxious, I decided that meant my body didn’t need it. It hasn’t. My intuition kept telling me “your body is healing”. I was still only half believing.
Two weeks ago, I began a course called Quantum Affirmation Collapse which was generously gifted to me by the creator of the organisation Think and Grow. Through Divine planning (long story), he had chosen to work one on one with me free of charge to help me work through the sub conscious beliefs I still held. In our first session I told him that I knew I had a sub-conscious belief that was literally killing me and I needed to find out what it was as time was running out for me.
I completed four questions in one of the units of the course and a collapse of epic proportion happened.
My mind blew open. I could see I was still holding onto rigid religious beliefs from my past. They had kept me silent, trapped in fear, unable to trust my intuition and my personal experience of the Divine. They had been so deeply buried in my sub-conscious mind I didn’t realise they were still there. I thought I had released them years ago, but there are layers and layers to strong held beliefs.
I realised I was completely free now to trust and always had been but I hadn’t believed it. I was filled with joy.
I could trust my own experience of the Divine.
I could trust my ‘knowings’ and my intuition.
I absolutely knew this at the deepest level. The sub-conscious heavy belief let go. My body felt lighter. I had other realisations that came up and fell away and my body felt lighter and lighter. My being felt lighter. Energy that had been trapped for over forty years began to move.
I also realised that during the last three years since I entered the medical system, I had gradually bought into the story of sickness. I now understood on a very deep level as a ‘knowing’ it was only a story and it no longer served me. It was a story I no longer believed, and I let that go. I kept letting go, letting go, letting go as all these stories and beliefs that had kept me tied to the past, stuck and voiceless continued to rise to consciousness and fall away.
I knew my body was now healing. I believed it in every fibre of my being. I realised I could trust what I had always known, right from the beginning of this cancer journey fifteen years ago: I do not need to die of this cancer and it would be spiritual and emotional healing that would heal me. I knew this for fifteen years, but I didn’t trust what I knew. I couldn’t trust it because it did not match the deeply subconscious belief I held from childhood that there was only one way to know God and that was the way taught by the Church I grew up in. The Church did not believe in spiritual healing, or a personal relationship with God that differed from what they interpreted from the bible. Still holding that belief, on a deep level over the years meant I could never fully trust my own experiences.
It has taken me fifteen years to learn to trust myself and the Divine. Am I a slow learner? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I do not regret any part of this journey because it was taught me so much. It has changed me immeasurably and brought me to this place where I can now be of some help to a fearful and suffering world.
So this is where I am at now. It is over three weeks since my latest epiphany. I am walking better than I have for over 18 months, I have no pain, every day the stiffness and discomfort in my legs lessens. I am more energetic, my lung capacity has improved, I am breathing easier (my lungs were full of cancer). Some of the obvious tumours on my body are reducing in size, I believe the same is happening on the inside.
For the first time, I am planning a future. Doing what I love and what I believe my life purpose is: helping people to change their perspective, heal childhood wounds and shift from living with fear into living in love and peace. I will work with people who are terminally ill and afraid of dying and help ease their fear. People with cancer who need hope to believe in healing. I will help people to embrace the Divine in their own life in whatever form it takes for them that is meaningful so they too can experience the utter bliss of living in alignment with their soul. It may be through my books, my on-line presence or one-on-one. The details will unfold.
I continue to learn as each day I realise another truth about myself. I have realised that everyone’s journey through life is totally unique, the answers are within themselves and it is not up to me to convince anyone of anything or try to heal them. I can only share from my authentic personal experience and support them to follow their own path to healing.
There is healing into death, and healing into life. I am healing into life. It was almost healing into death, and that would have been ok too except I would not have had this wonderful opportunity to fulfil what I believe is my life purpose. It would have happened next life. By grace, I am healing into life.
I do not need my body to heal. It is better if it does, because living with a weary, painful body is an extra challenge. When I am well, I am full of energy and vibrancy. I prefer that. My body will heal because other people need it to. There will be people I work with who will need my body to heal to give them hope and strength. It is a powerful story to heal from cancer after 15 years. A body that has cancer in so many places. A body that has been diagnosed as “terminal ” for three years. A body that Medicine believes should have died a long time ago. A body that is not taking any treatment either pharmaceutical or “alternative” to make it heal. A spontaneous healing. There have been many before me, there will be many after me, but often their stories aren’t heard as the fear full story of cancer continues to be circulated by Medicine and the pharmaceuticals continue to spend millions and millions on research that actually hasn’t changed the death rate for cancer except in a very few instances.
I will endeavour to make my voice heard.
The answer lies in utilising the power of the mind/body/spirit connection. In connecting to the powerhouse which is our spirit.
A crucial part is letting go of fear. Old stories based in fear that keep us stuck.
Watch this space. I will keep you posted.
Life is wonderful.