Everything has changed.
Two weeks ago I went into the local palliative care unit for symptom and pain management. This visit had been mutually agreed on the week before when I had seen my palliative care specialist. I was taking a slow release morphine tablet once a day for pain, then giving myself sub-cut morphine for breakthrough pain, but I could not manage to get consistent pain relief. I felt as though the morphine that had given me such relief, was now poisoning my body and not addressing the pain effectively. My specialist had suggested reviewing our options a month or so earlier, but regrettably, I have a very stubborn streak and am very stoic, so I had not taken up her suggestion.
My health was failing. My hair was falling out, I was in a constant state of nausea … opening the fridge door would result in a dash to the toilet..dry retching. I had no energy, I napped for most of the day, not even able to get the energy to read or watch TV. Pain wasn’t too bad, but would fluctuate dramatically. Having a shower then blow drying my hair required a rest in between. This was the physical state I was in when I entered the palliative care unit that monday afternoon.
Mentally and emotionally, I was fine…. if you have read my blogs, you will know that I made peace with death a long time ago. Much as I wanted to stay for my family and friends, and in particular for my first little grandchild who is due to be born in four weeks, I was happy to die. Part of me longed to “go home”. I have an absolute belief in life continuing after death, and that there is nothing to be concerned about at all – with an unconditionally loving Creator after all, how could there possibly be anything to fear? My physical body was becoming difficult to live in… everything was an effort. Having said this, I had no sense that I was going to die.
I am going to share with you now what happened to me that Monday night two weeks ago in the palliative care ward. It is up to you what you make of it. I don’t have a logical explanation for it….I actually ceased needing logical explanations years ago when I realised that Life works completely different to what I had thought (to be honest, I didn’t even think back then..or at least not about Life, I just tried to get through it).
I know this, because everything changed from that moment.
I arrived in my hospital room about 3pm and settled in. The Registrar came and did a brief physical examination, asked some questions, and then said my specialist would be arriving soon to discuss suitable changes to medication. I was just glad to be there. My specialist came – a wonderful compassionate woman who has been an enormous support to me over the years, and always listens to me even when I am stretching her science based beliefs to the limit… and said she felt that I would benefit from small doses of Methadone for pain, Dexamethasone for appetite and Haliperidol for nausea etc. No more morphine. Because I have spent my life being mentally resistant to using synthetic drugs, I have been a rather difficult patient for her; she has had to be patient and wait for me to address my polarised thinking which has occurred slowly over several years, but which brought me finally me to this point where I was feeling so unwell I was willing to accept more intensive pharmaceutical intervention.
I agreed to accept the medications, and she left. My tea was brought, I lifted the cover, began dry retching and ran for the toilet. Another Haliperidol, a 5 minute wait and I could eat tea. Wonderful! I had been living on toast and vegemite for 3 days.
At some point that evening, I have no idea when exactly, I drifted into a meditative state.
And suddenly….I find it difficult for words to describe…. it was like my soul energy grabbed me by the throat and with great exasperation said ” Rebecca!! …we are healing…. get on board”. I was taken aback… fleetingly thinking.. “soul energy is supposed to be gentle, not ferocious”.. (which is incorrect.. it is very powerful)…. and I responded “Oh, ok then”.
And that was it.
Except it wasn’t.
It was the beginning of something life-changing.
You see, from that moment on, I have had no pain, no nausea, I am so full of energy I can barely contain it at times, I am incredibly focused and motivated and creative.. everything is effortless, everything just works out… I am so full of love and joy and peace it overflows..I want to hug strangers in the street (I might get locked up if I did!)…
I believe my body is healing from the cancer.
I don’t know. Time and medical scans will prove if it is. I am not terribly interested anyway. It is or it isn’t healing. Either way, I now live each moment deeply as it comes. Each moment feels like a new drop of dew… quivering with life.. filled with potential and possibilities…full of richness and beauty and love and joy, fresh and beautiful and alive…it does not matter to me how many more of these moments I have or not. THIS moment is so beautiful and perfect, another is not necessary.
I feel truly, stunningly, richly alive. unburdened by past or future.
I just AM.
In this moment.
So what happened? I can’t answer that for sure…the more I know, the more I realise I don’t know. But all I can say is this. Something happened, because everything is different. My physical reality is different. The small dosage of the drugs is not explanation enough… I believe I have been graced with spiritual healing. Fourteen years ago when I first knew I had cancer, I believed that my healing would be from Spirit, not from the physical plane of drugs, hospital treatments or even nutrition…but from Spirit. I just never expected that it would take over fourteen years. I have taken that long…not Spirit.. I have resisted, tried to conform to societal expectations, held back, not trusted… but Spirit has patiently worked with me. To get me to this point.
And now what?
I am living each moment, loving each moment, so full of joy and love…not because of the healing, but in spite of it. Physical healing will be the icing on the cake. I know with great clarity what I am here to do.. the last fourteen years of my life have been spent preparing me for this.
I will now devote my life to spreading a message of love and joy and peace. Of helping people to introduce Spirit, God, the Universe, Gaia, their soul, whatever you wish to call it…..names don’t matter…. into their daily lives so that the beautiful power that comes from living connected to a Being higher than ourselves can be experienced by everyone. It is there for all of us..we just don’t believe in it or trust it…we have been so programmed to only trust in what we can see, touch, taste and hear.. so over domesticated that we are no longer connected to the wisdom of our souls and the Universe.. and we are SUFFERING because of it. In particular, I will help people with terminal illness to find a state of complete and utter acceptance that whatever is happening is perfect. We cannot erase physical pain and suffering, loss and death from our lives, but we can live in such a way that they do not affect us negatively….they are simply an opportunity , as is everything, to open to the beauty of life.
If I can in some tiny way help alleviate suffering through sharing my story, and showing other people who are interested how to live in joy and peace no matter what is happening around them…then my life has been worthwhile.
Now, I have to go, I have a book to write. The deadline is August. I have been trying to write this book for eight frustrating years, beating myself up because it didn’t flow… it was such a struggle. I have no aspiration to be an author, but I have known that I must write a book.
The time is now right.
When it is Divine timing, everything flows…I’m learning that….