Things are about to get Real.
I’ts 3.50am and the power is out. There is an electrical storm raging in the distance, lightening flashing intermittently through my window. It is really windy and I can’t sleep.
It is partly due to the wind – I have to sleep with the windows open because the Menopause has seriously interfered with my internal thermostat and I need to be cool when I sleep or my body attempts to melt.
The wind woke me up, but the other reason I can’t sleep is because I am feeling frustrated.
I am trying to write a book about my experience with cancer. Attempting on and off for six years. Yes, six years. More, if I’m really honest, I have lost track of time.
I admit, I have been a champion procrastinator in the past – I only dropped that debilitating habit of self-sabotage a few months ago, so it is quite new for me to be focused and disciplined when doing something for myself, but I was going great guns, and I’m thinking, yes, this time I am really going to finish it, I’m on a roll here, then….. a grinding halt. Again. Dammit.
The first two chapters just flowed, then I have been trying to write a chapter on Modern Medicine which I thought was an important part of the book, but it has been a struggle and I have lost the feeling of flow. I haven’t been able to understand why.
I don’t have a problem with not sleeping. Some of my most creative and profound thoughts arise during the night and early morning. I think it is partly because my senses are resting, there is no external stimulation, the outside world is quiet (except for that wind), there are no distractions and my mind can free flow. I also believe my sub conscious mind works well at problem solving while I am asleep or lazily awake.
So, I lie in bed, wrestling with this problem of why the book is no longer flowing. I begin to feel panic arising and I am thinking I am never going to finish it, I am going to die one day with my story still inside me. I start to tell myself stories that I am a loser, who do I think I am to believe I have a story worth telling, what do I really have to say that could be of help to anyone ? How dare I believe I can live a life less ordinary.
Classic 3am self-torture.
I rarely think like this anymore, and I am not enjoying the way it makes me feel. I feel a surge of anger rise in me and I think “No, I’m writing this damn story and continuing with my plans to create an on-line business doing what I love, using what I have learned from life to help other people because I have always believed this is what I am meant to do”.
And suddenly, I can see why the book isn’t flowing. I realise where I have gone wrong.
In this chapter on Modern Medicine, I got out of storytelling and into officialism, I got official. I love researching subjects that interest me, I am an avid seeker of information – my house is full of books. This subject really interests me, but I got too serious and formal about it and the book ceased to become a story and became a report.
I am good at writing reports – in my work I had to. Only the facts: objective, not subjective. I was good at it, but it isn’t really me. You see, I like objective – it certainly has its place, but I LOVE subjective. Personal experience. Individuality. Vulnerability. Perception.
Human-ness – warts and all. In all its diversity and confusion.
I love connection. I really feel that a big part of the problem with the world today is lack of connection with ourselves, our community, nature and a Higher Power. In fact, I have been musing on a metaphysical theory I have that somehow cancer has manifested as the disease of our time because it is symbolic of the current disease of humanity – an ever increasing disconnection with “Other”. Cancer cells are cells that have become selfish – they don’t want to die, and they are only concerned with themselves. The greater good of their community and the environment they live in – the body – is no longer important. Their self absorption ultimately causes the destruction of the very environment that sustains cell life, and when it dies, they die. Sound familiar? It parallels with how humankind treats the planet that sustains its very life. As without, so within. Just sayin….
Anyway, the point I am slowly getting to is that it is hard to feel a real connection with a report. and I realise this is where I went wrong. Anyone can write a report based on facts, but only I can write my story, my way, from my perspective. I like connection. I need to be real.
Often I am filled with self-doubt – do I have anything to say? but I am beginning to understand that my perspective is relatively unique.
Beginning to understand that not a lot of people do what I have done – Take on cancer on my own terms.
It started out partly through fear. Nothing brave about it. Initially, I was more scared of mainstream treatments than I was of dying from cancer. I also felt that I would be letting Ian down somehow if I used mainstream treatments when they had not been offered to him, and I had a deep belief that my healing would not come from physical intervention, but rather through Mind and Spirit. So Mind and Spirit became my focus. I dabbled at various times with alternative therapies, but none seemed to make much difference to the cancer. Somewhere along the way, fear disappeared and cancer became my vehicle for self healing and self-discovery. Cancer has been of little importance to me, except for what it can teach me.
Some would probably say I have played Russian Roulette with my life. That may be. Who can say for sure? Fortunately no one will ever know, although some may have a strong opinion. I am no longer very interested in whether other people approve of my decisions or how I live. I have more important things to do
like live my life.
Would I be cancer free today if I had chosen chemotherapy, radiation or surgery? I don’t know, but the point is, today I am still alive, miraculously so according to statistics, and extraordinarily well and the journey has been worth it. I have learned how to be happy almost all the time.
I have a story to tell: this blog is part of it and I’m going to do it my way, so I’m dropping the more formal style and I am going to be unashamedly subjective. Do I have anything to teach? I will let you be the judge of that. Do I have anything to share? Yes, I think so, so I am going to share. Share my life, share my story and maybe it will give some-one, somewhere hope. Maybe it will help to alleviate some-ones fear. Maybe it will inspire some-one to really live and love their life. If this happens, then I have been honoured to help.
I am going to end by repeating a common theme for me:
Live your life as passionately, authentically, boldly and lovingly as you can.
Do you cherish and occupy fully your precious human life?
When we live like this, we can make a positive difference in the world.
Let’s Get Real
Got to go….. I have a book to write.